Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
And my parents said I crawled through the house
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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