"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
