i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize