I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
