I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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