he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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