I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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