i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
