You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize