My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
