My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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