Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
