Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
