I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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