just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
