Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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