just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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