JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
