apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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