She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize