My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize