I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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