So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
