I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
