i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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