Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize