i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
