Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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