I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
