Heybabeimwearingurpanties
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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