When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
