Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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