Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize