it was like his penis was on wheels.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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