the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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