Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i love accidental penises.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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