Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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