I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
