i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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