ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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