Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
