I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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