Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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