I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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