I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
