i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Randomize
