You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
