Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
