Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
