I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
