I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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