We won't sleep together?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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